So today I...

decided to create this website. Well...to be totally honest I began this new endeavor in January. I know. I'm embarrassed for me, too. Anyway it's now April and it's 80 degrees and sunny outside. This is my view, so it's really difficult to not get my bathing suit on and grab my boogie board and forget all about everything I told my husband, and my friends, and my daughter, and my grandkids, AND MY MOM way back at the beginning of the year: "I'm going to make this website. It's going to be great! I'll be able to sell my art, my photos, and it will link to an on demand company that will create merchandise with my paintings and I won't have to handle any of the delivery. I'll even add my booklinks from Amazon! Everything in one place! It's going to be easy." Now I could just kick myself! Why? Why do I do this to myself! I'm "retired" for goodness sake! Just relax and enjoy life. But nooooooooooo, not me.

OK so a little back story. I was a kindergarten teacher and then a reading specialist for many years. I loved it for most of those many years, but things have changed a lot in education. I read somewhere recently that most new teachers stay in the job for 3 years max. I lasted over 20. My dad's Parkinson's was getting worse and my daughter began having children. These were my main reasons for leaving, but the stress from the demands of teaching made walking away from it a much easier decision. An important note is that I left without much of a retirement. You see I started when Kindergarten was a half day and when it became full day, a colleague and I decided to jobshare. Half time meant no retirement. She worked 1/2 the day and I worked the other 1/2. It was great. I was young. I wasn't thinking about retirement. I did eventually go full time, but to get fully vested I would have had to teach until I was 70! Wasn't going to happen.

So now there I was. People would ask me what I did. I always just said I taught, but now I'm retired. And I'd get, "Must be nice to be retired." It was..at least.the time off was, but the no retirement check...well that, rhymes with duck and truck and out of luck (see that teacher thing I did there?) There was all the guilt of not bringing in any income for the first time in our marriage and there was also the guilt (which I didn't expect) of being able to do this, when my teacher friends (some divorced and single moms) weren't granted this luxury.

Oh and by the way, I don't think I've mentioned that I have anxiety (it's pretty obvious), ADHD, and depression (which btw I along with many people who know me still question that one). All of these ingredients mixed together with the normal extended family 'drama', made for a small midlife breakdown-no, let's call it crisis-actually it was more like a hibernation.

Another thing to know about me is that I don't give up easily and I try to look on the bright side (hence my questioning that depression diagnosis). My daughter and son in law say I remind them of Leslie Knope on Parks & Rec. My husband agrees, but I don't watch that show so I'm not sure if it's a complement or an insult. I'm going to go with complement. I tried many iterations of the kinda retired but not really retired Cammie. I got certified as a personal trainer through ACE Fitness and then as a Zumba instructor. I'm very shy (people never believe me, when I tell them that, but it's true!), so I never did too much with those certifications. Remember-I'm not bringing in any income and now I've wasted money on two certifications. Next I started a tutoring business. I did ok with that but I'm not really great at marketing or the whole business side of teaching. I like the teaching part and handling the business side was making this part time gig more of a full time gig. I did receritfy my teaching license just in case and I did a little substitute teaching.

You see what's happening here. I was going back to my comfort zone. I had longed for time to work on my creative hobbies- drawing, painting. writing childrens books. taking photos. Instead I was filling my time with more teaching "stuff" and other distractions. Why? Well, I'm GenX and back in the 1900s the idea was you go to college and get a degree in something and that makes you that something. Nursing degree=Nurse, Engineering degree=engineer. Teaching degree=teacher. I don't have an art degree. I don't really know how to make art the "right"way. So I'd just be posing-you know that old imposter syndrome thing. So let's just get this out of the way- Hello, I'm Cammie and I'm not an artist. I don't know how to make a website. I didn't know how to self publish books. I'm not a marketer. I don't really even know how to do Instagram (and even if I did-it's going to change next week anyway). I'm not even a teacher anymore. Who am I now at the age of 59...ouch, that hurts a little. I'm figuring it out and I hope you'll come along for the ride. It's time for me to figure out who I want to be-who I want to be...maybe who I always wanted to be before I thought a girls only 4 choices were mommy, teacher, nurse, or secretary. I do know these things. I am a work in progress, a sensitive soul, and someone who wants to make a positive impact even if it's just for you..yes you...the one person reading my first blog post...if you get something out of this then it's worth all of the fear and procrastination that my horrible perfectionism has stacked against me for these many years. YOU are worth it and today I'm learning that I am too.